Lying in Your Arms (Knowing He's on Your Mind)
by awakeatnight
Summary: He whispers "I love you" into her skin, and neither of them finishes the sentence aloud, but the word "Sirius" echoes in her head, making her feel more hollow than ever. Remus/Tonks implied Remus/Sirius


**A/N: **Warning: this may offend your moral sensibilities. If this is not a problem because a)you are willing to take the risk, or b)you are not a fifteenth century english nobleman and therfore do not possess any, feel free to proceed.

* * *

"I can never love you like you want me to." He says in a resigned, defeated voice, because he doesn't want to break her heart, but there is still hope in her eyes, so he doesn't have much choice, because she just doesn't _understand_.

"He was it for me Dora, and I will never be able to go about loving you in the right way, and you don't deserve that."

She nods and it isn't happy but she is not surprised either. After all, this isn't even the first time they have had this conversation.

"Probably." She agrees. "But," and she looks up at him, imploringly, "you care about me right?"

Remus pinches the bridge of his nose because she is making this difficult. "Yes, of course I care about you."

"And seeing as I am helplessly in love with you—"

He cuts her off, because he already feels badly enough as it is. "I do care about you Dora, I do, but can't you see that's why it has to be like this? My heart will never belong to you, it can't._ I_ can't."

He hesitates, taking a deep breath, "And I can't even honestly tell you that I would like to be able to give you my heart, because I _love _him Dora, with every fibre of my being I love him, still, always, and that's never going to change. And I _do _care about you, and as your friend I think you _deserve _someone who will love you back; be in love with you back."

She watches as he slumps into his chair, the fight seeping out of him.

"I just, I can't Dora. I can't be that person."

* * *

The first time they kiss, she leans into him, and his body stiffens as her lips brush against his, but he allows the motion for a prolonged moment before pulling away and sighing. He gives her a long look, as if trying to decipher a particularly difficult rune, and then, with another sigh and slight shake of his head, gets up and leaves the room.

This is not how she would have pictured her first kiss with the love of her life, but then again, she also wouldn't have pictured him being a werewolf fourteen years her senior, and still in love with her dead _male _cousin. The fates had never really smiled upon her, but if there was one thing she learned from her mother it was that circumstances don't define people, what you choose to make of those circumstances does.

So she makes the best of her heart breaking circumstances, and he does relent, eventually. Because they are good friends, and she thinks he just doesn't want to hurt her anymore, but she loves him so much that she will take him any way she can get him.

* * *

It isn't planned, when it happens. He would certainly never ask her to do it, he already feels bad enough about the pain he causes her because she will never be first in his heart. But she does it one night, because she wants her husband to look at _her _just this once, even if it isn't really her he is seeing. She tries not to think about the black hair falling into her eyes, the way those eyes look grey to Remus now, and Remus' heart stops.

"Dora…" he says warningly, but his eyes cannot leave her. She knows he will find flaws in her façade, that she never saw Sirius when he wasn't fully clothed, and the thought hurts her, a constant pang, that he does not love _her_, never _her_.

He's looking at her with imploring eyes, and she just whispers, "I just, I need..." and she lets out a breath because she doesn't know how to say it.

"Just don't close your eyes, tonight."

It comes out as little more than a whisper, and his head hangs a little in shame, but she knew, coming into this entire relationship, initiating anything with him, that this is what she was signing up for. It still hurt, but in all fairness, the guilty party really should be her. So she lifts his chin, with long fingers that are not her own, and these at least she knows she has gotten right.

Remus lifts his head and searches her eyes, _his _eyes, and he knows just how badly she needs this. So he gives in to temptation, and slowly, slowly, leans down to kiss her. And it's nothing like the kisses she has ever had with him, it is still a little hesitant, like it always is, but this hesitancy is because surely what they are doing is wrong on so many levels and he is aware of it, but it's also gentle and longing and confident, because this is a mouth he is familiar with, this is a dance he knows well.

And he is confident as his fingers trail down her in wonder, in awe, and it's a look he's never been able to manage with her, not that he doesn't try.

She tries not to think about it too much, who he is in awe of, as she keeps her eyes (_his _eyes) trained on Remus' face, and she can almost forget, almost believe that he is seeing _her_, speaking to _her_, making love to _her_.

And afterwards, he leans his forehead up against hers, and this time his eyes remained open, and it feels as though he is staring into her soul (although she's sure he doesn't see past the face, _his _face), his damp forehead against hers and he whispers "I love you" reverently into her skin and neither of them finishes the sentence aloud, but the word _Sirius _echoes in her head, making her feel more hollow than ever.

No, Remus didn't love her, but it wasn't for lack of trying. He was a good man, a good person, and in any case, she loved him more than enough for the both of them.

* * *

**A/N: **Erm...for the record I hate RemusxTonks but sometimes I do feel a little badly for her. This story (and the title) were inspired by the song "Don't Close Your Eyes" by Keith Whitley and if you try listening to it from Tonks' perspective I'm sure it will break your heart too. I'm aware of the wrongness of this, it felt a little off just writing it, but I know I can't be the only person who has ever wondered...  
I would really appreciate hearing what you thought about it- good, bad or otherwise.


End file.
